Sincerity...

Do I have to explain or you already understand what I meant...
In a relationship there is no cash or financial that are so calculative or tangled in between...
This is not like when I give you 50cents and you have to return me 50 cents after that...
In a relationship... we dun calculate like that...
when you need 50cents i will give you 2 dollar... when you need 50 dollar i will give you 150 dollars... and you do not need to return me anything in any form... not even a favor...
I know and I understand what I'm giving and offer to you... you are not cheating anything from me.... please understand this...

All those stuffs that I have bought for you.... you deserve to have those stuffs...
The gadgets I bought for you is for you.... it was a belated valentine's gift and an early birthday gift...
I didnt buy you anything else after that... did I??
I'm the one who sign up the mobile plan for you... I'm the one should be responsible... and of course I will pay for you every single month without a miss... please remember you dun owe me any single thing from here....
the starhub bill I need to pay back because it was me that make you in such debt... I was that fucker.... I called you when you are were in HK... do you still remember that???

I really wanted to buy you an IPad end of this month... My heart feel pain when I see you looking at the small screen mobile to online... when you are looking at your FB page and those beautiful shoes and clothes.... it cracks my heart...
Your eyes degree is getting higher and deeper.... my heart feel pain... you might understand or might not understand how i feel now... but all i wanna do was just to make sure you have a comfortable device to online... I want you to have the best... so that your eyes will not feel pain and your degree will not get higher...
What i'm planning actually is that if your eyes degree will not fall so deep then next year we can save up for your eyes laser operation... I may not tell you this because I have learn not to promise until i able to pay for it...

The whole September month.. was a month that I love and enjoy the most... I'm seriously serious...
this is because I able to help you and your mom to take care of the house...
I love the moment when you call me after work and rush me to your house and do the chores....
this is nothing to do with maid or slave... I'm more than willing to clean your room... do your laundry... clean your sons poo... bath them... feed them... walk them....
I love you and and I love them... dont you feel what I feel... But you should know how I feel all the time....
what I'm saying in this blog are sincere and straight from my heart...

I understand the whole situation.. I know why I'm giving you what you want and need....
you are not cheating or taking any of my cash.... actually did you realize that when i going after you... your mindset was really really negative like now... but at that time somehow I able to change you... I was trying my best to let you know what is positive and be positive...

I admit that i'm wrong i plead myself guilty... The few previous posting was my anger... Those days i was having really bad days... I'm not perfect but who is perfect... If loving you is a crime then plead me guilty....

The purpose of this blog is to show how much i love you and how deep i'm in love with you.... I just wanna express my feelings towards you... I really really really wanna tell you that i really really really treasure this relathionship.... I also want to appreciate whatever we have done and gone through... I wanna plan for our future now... It might be late.. but at least i'm trying to go another step forward.... I love you every single moment that we are together whether it was bad or good....

All the single thing that i have done and did... It was me that willingly do it for you without any hesitation or consideration... It is just for you and no one else... I never did what I've done with you when i was with N.... You are worthy for my strength and time... I'm serious here dear... Believe me once more dear... I really need you in my life... I will make it exciting and adventurous as you always wanted.... I wanna let you know that i love you from the day i met you till now... and i wanna make another step forward with you... I wanna love you till I hit six feet under....

Please understand the purpose of this blog and my heart towards you.... I need you..

Where are you? Tell me where i can find 'you'....

We were at a full stop after your birthday last year... I gave you a box of contact lenses which i put in inside your letter box while you were shopping with ah keong...
During that time i felt like i had bad car crash every single day... I was in deep pain...
i tried to pick up myself during the 'car crash'.... My body and mind was badly injured...
i went for body building... mix with my friends (Kenneth.. Felicia.. Melissa) and concentrate to job which i do not have interest...
After a while... I paid everything that i owe you back then... Starhub bills and stuffs that i couldnt really explain..
I still remember when you told me... No need to be so built up as i have small head... and small size people also can protect you...
I was very happy back then... I tried to keep alive and not to think so much...
It was 28th of July almost 10pm.... i msg you... why you are not online.. you said your network was down... so we chat on the sms.... you told me the beads where my mom gave you was broken... and you were worried and need a holiday...
You told me you would like to go zoo... I volunteer myself to be with you on the coming weekend...
During that period we were like honey and bee.... nothing separate us.... i know you were happy... i can feel it...

On that weekend... I reach lavender and waited for you... i fetch you at the lavender mrt station and we walk to the bubble milk tea and bought 2 cups of bubble milk tea... we went to a place and we had fun and obviously we had a long chat... It was crazy and funny.... i still feel it till now....
Then we went to orchard have our late lunch... the ribs was fantastic...

The next day we wake up early and prepare breakfast and to the zoo...
You were wearing a beautiful black and pink dress... was just tied up on the back of your neck...
You were so beautiful and gorgeous... Not just the visitors and zoo keepers are looking at you.. Even the pets and animals are staring at you....

From that moment on... we started our 2nd phase....
at that time we chatted on why we broke off the first time.. and share every single possible details when we are apart... T and L...
I still remember once you were abit drunk and call me..
You asked.. why i'm not in singapore and company you... I told myself at that point of time... I need to do something to be with you...

I let everything go.. and keep you safe beside me.... i move to JB... and then now in Singapore...
During that transition.. it was painful for my family and me....
But i could not care for anything more but you...

Actually during this period... Evonne did a great part which help me to establish this relationship... Which I would really like to say thank you to her.... She gave me a lifeline.... (But anyway.. you should thank me for applying that INS job for you too.. and so you found a good sister)

As Evonne said.. relationship will never smooth sailing.. i believe and understand it... I tried to learn and understand you... You are hard person.. love to be alone sometimes... I'm trying my best to give you want you wanted....

The month of September was a honey moon month for me.... It was heaven... I meet you everyday and take good care of you and your sons... I dun mind the chores as long you all are happy and healthy... that what i wish for every single day...

Right on the dot 1st of October.... It was hell... i rush to get you a pair of contact lense.. xiao bai food and some cash...
when i was at the door... you pop out and ask me... how do you look... obviously no word could describe how you look like... you were so gorgeous and beautiful....
You asked me.."will i have my breakfast tomorrow?" " are we going for shopping tomorrow?" and you should know the answer... you know i will never say no to you.. actually have i say no to you? i bet i didnt...

The next morning i met you... and you are different person... You seems like a stranger...
You were tired and keep on sleeping...
A night of clubbing.. i bet it was tired and 'happening'... but i dunno what makes you turn into such a stranger to both of us...
Are they someone waiting for you like me.. when we started.. and this is how you treat larry and now how you treat me.. I dun blame you or anyone... maybe this is what i call life or love cycle... but tell you the truth.. i never cheated or do anything wrong behind you when we are in the relationship maybe even during the time when we are halfway gone....

i'm not begging you and ask for your gratefulness or pityness on me... I just want you to know what i've done for you.... you are special and you need special treatment...
You are beautiful and gorgeous... maybe in this life.. i dun match to have someone like you.... I know i'm no one and moreover i'm just a malaysian....
Every morning i really wish to see you wake up in the morning and look at your beautiful smile... your beautiful smile.... that is what i call a beautiful life.... but maybe thats a wish... maybe it never in front of my eyes....

In this current industry i am in is a long marathon run... I cant quit or be sprint faster... It developed slowly.... but i can tell you that next year i will improve our life.... I will get myself a unit here... and car... I want to have my own place... I'm sick of sharing a place with someone... but best of all i want to share the place with you and your 3 smart sons....

I need to have an upgrade... My life is too boring already...

If a doctor would like to operate or kill a patient... The doctor will diagnose the patient with a disease before operating them... If you want me to die or operate on me... pls tell me what is my disease or diagnose with any terminal sickness... At least or lastly.. i may die in peace....
You are burying me alive... and i'm struggling to survive this hurricane.... I'm trying my best to do what it takes for you love me.... or maybe i have done my best yet... Let me know what i've done wrong and i will correct myself.... as you posted in FB... Love is not a first sight.. but to learn and understand your partner.... which i'm currently learning and understanding you....

I'm really grateful and would like to say a million thank you because of your saturday movie and sunday lunch....
It was a great outing...
But... do you know why i move to the back while you are queuing for popcorn and drinks... have you think about that??
have you realize that every single person on that cinema floor is smilling and laughing?? I realize even for a uncle and auntie who is queueing there...
I dun want you to be unhappy or mad.... so i move back till you reach the counter then i only come forward to order... you are the one i care and love.... your emotions.. feelings... health is what i care most....

what do you feel when you see me??? unhappy?? mad?? sad... or whatever is it?? let me know how you feel... at least i will know what to do....

I'm preparing something for you at this weekend... but whatever is it.. pls take care yourself....
I may not be the right person but i'm not the wrong person as wel...