Mixed feelings....

Early November is coming and that long holiday and weekend as well....

I missed my parents and mocha... but I know I will miss you more.... I wanna spend some time with you but maybe you need to spend some time with your family and friends also.... Its really heavy heart to leave you here... but you made a decision to stay here... I respect your decision because I do not want to be the selfish one again...

I love you and I want you to be happy....

There are alot of event is coming this weekend....really alot....

1) Daddy's Birthday - Friday evening dinner
2) Gerald's Wedding - Friday afternoon (planning for wedding) and Sunday (the big day)
3) Meet up with Kenneth and Felicia - should be in Saturday night... (need to attend Gerald's Bachelors night as well)
4) Settle some issue with the goverment and bank... Monday afternoon
5) Dinner and lunch with my dearest..... MOCHA and parents... hahahaha - whole Saturday

Those schedule look pack... but all I hope that you able to participate with all those event with me...

It was a memorable weekend...

After work my colleagues asked me to join them for dinner....

and I say yes... and why not....

It was a great evening and well spend with best colleagues... shout till the hell heard me... hahaha

but during that time... I feel that my soul is not with me... seriously I feel so souless... my body and mind feel so empty.... i just keep on looking at my phone.... I really miss you...



I touch at Singapore ground around 6 in the morning.... it was raining...

Rush back to get some sleep.... received your msg at 1054... the message was disappointing at first but it was a shock at the end.... a great shock...



You might not need... but I do it because you need those to survive.... I'm not saviour or anything greater... but I reallly want to do my part...

You asked me to go to your place and have breakfast/lunch because your mom cook... I went in.... You are having your beautiful sleep.... You are so beautiful... feel like a baby sleeping in mommy's arm.... I really hope that I could hug you at that time....



I walked out and help your sons to clean their poo poo and pee pee... Xiao bai is so cute... Your son is amazing.... I'm done with everything including your laundry as well....



I went back to your room to see whether you wanna eat but I found sweet cherry... Very very delicious red cherry... It was wonderful time...



You getting ready and we are going out for a late lunch... This was amazing... Everything went so smooth and nothing happens yet.... We went to Yishun Manhattan Fish Market... It was a great lunch I ever had with you for the entire month... You are one good cutter... How in the world you able to cut a scallops out from a mussels... You are really good... I also love how you mix the chilli and mayoneise into my food... Nice baby nice...



After that we went to choose a birthday gift for your friend... A bouquet of sunflower with a teddy bear... it was a very nice decent gift....



Then we went to sunplaza to get your eyebrow trim... you are quite happy with their service...



we went back to your place to get ready... you were doing your hair and a little make up....

you are waiting for your friend to pick you up.... I'm really happy when you are happy and to see you in such a beautiful dress.... I love it and of course I love you...

After sending you to the MRT station I bought some snacks drinks and carrots... I went back to your place and feed your sons... Seriously they are like mad when they see carrot... Especially Lilo... haha

I went back to my place to rest after I done everything at your place... Bought a bottle of coke and a packet of snacks.... watched ' I am Legend' and fell asleep.... I was really tired after a long night and day.... but it was fruitful and beautiful.... totally worth it...

Went out to watch football at kopitiam at 1245am... got back to my place around 230am....

The next morning started to do my laundry and 'tang tang' on my bed... actually the whole morning I was hoping you would go out for lunch and a movie with me... I was just trying my luck to send you a message for lunch... and thank you so much you replied 'xin wang ba'... i jump off from my bus seat...

Waiting for you is something that is very happy... very exciting.. very 'xin fu'... I could say.. althought I waited not long... you wore a dress which is very very pretty.. I like the green dress... I still remember that we bought this dress from Far East Plaza... Seriously speaking I'm super duper happy.... very very excited... very very ..... no words could describe... you are BEAUTIFUL....

We went to XinWang in Sunplaza to have our late lunch... We order alot.. while we were having our meal.. we took some photos of the food and you.. thank you that you pose a photo for me...

Then we went to Causeway Point for a little shopping... actually we bought some pillow and bolster... Seriously I do not mind to become 2nd A.K... but just let me love you and take good care of you and your sons... thats what I'm asking for....

We went back to your place... and you needed a rest...

I went to get a pair of movie tickets at 735pm and a casual jacket for Gerald's wedding. It was abit rush... so hopefully I got the correct one...

You came by your ownself and straight away we went to the cinema... It was a good movie " Legend of the Guardian"... and surprisingly you like the show.... Anyway it was quite a good animation and story....

After movie straight away we went to Guardian to get something for your trip in the coming 2 weeks... You have a really good heart I can see it and feel it too...

Then we went to Mcdonalds to have a late dinner... You took out your camera and showed me how does Lilo look when he wear that 2 skull bulb on the body... Actually he look like he got 2 bright boobs... too bad I dun have the photos...

While on the way back I was hoping that I can see you a little longer.. and my wish granted... You asked to go in have a dinner... your mom did cook alittle bit more... so I have some fried mee and curry prawn... It taste really reallly nice... I love it... Never a doubt of your parent's food...

We did a little chit chat and you were asking me whether the legging were nice or not.. I was surprise you asked... and I'm delighted to answer you...

Actually I'm sorry that I stay abit longer that night because seriously I miss you and I do not know when I will see you again...

I wish you good night and kiss you on your forehead....

Thank you dear... You make that weekend for me... It was fantastic and crazy... and crazily in love with you...

Sincerity...

Do I have to explain or you already understand what I meant...
In a relationship there is no cash or financial that are so calculative or tangled in between...
This is not like when I give you 50cents and you have to return me 50 cents after that...
In a relationship... we dun calculate like that...
when you need 50cents i will give you 2 dollar... when you need 50 dollar i will give you 150 dollars... and you do not need to return me anything in any form... not even a favor...
I know and I understand what I'm giving and offer to you... you are not cheating anything from me.... please understand this...

All those stuffs that I have bought for you.... you deserve to have those stuffs...
The gadgets I bought for you is for you.... it was a belated valentine's gift and an early birthday gift...
I didnt buy you anything else after that... did I??
I'm the one who sign up the mobile plan for you... I'm the one should be responsible... and of course I will pay for you every single month without a miss... please remember you dun owe me any single thing from here....
the starhub bill I need to pay back because it was me that make you in such debt... I was that fucker.... I called you when you are were in HK... do you still remember that???

I really wanted to buy you an IPad end of this month... My heart feel pain when I see you looking at the small screen mobile to online... when you are looking at your FB page and those beautiful shoes and clothes.... it cracks my heart...
Your eyes degree is getting higher and deeper.... my heart feel pain... you might understand or might not understand how i feel now... but all i wanna do was just to make sure you have a comfortable device to online... I want you to have the best... so that your eyes will not feel pain and your degree will not get higher...
What i'm planning actually is that if your eyes degree will not fall so deep then next year we can save up for your eyes laser operation... I may not tell you this because I have learn not to promise until i able to pay for it...

The whole September month.. was a month that I love and enjoy the most... I'm seriously serious...
this is because I able to help you and your mom to take care of the house...
I love the moment when you call me after work and rush me to your house and do the chores....
this is nothing to do with maid or slave... I'm more than willing to clean your room... do your laundry... clean your sons poo... bath them... feed them... walk them....
I love you and and I love them... dont you feel what I feel... But you should know how I feel all the time....
what I'm saying in this blog are sincere and straight from my heart...

I understand the whole situation.. I know why I'm giving you what you want and need....
you are not cheating or taking any of my cash.... actually did you realize that when i going after you... your mindset was really really negative like now... but at that time somehow I able to change you... I was trying my best to let you know what is positive and be positive...

I admit that i'm wrong i plead myself guilty... The few previous posting was my anger... Those days i was having really bad days... I'm not perfect but who is perfect... If loving you is a crime then plead me guilty....

The purpose of this blog is to show how much i love you and how deep i'm in love with you.... I just wanna express my feelings towards you... I really really really wanna tell you that i really really really treasure this relathionship.... I also want to appreciate whatever we have done and gone through... I wanna plan for our future now... It might be late.. but at least i'm trying to go another step forward.... I love you every single moment that we are together whether it was bad or good....

All the single thing that i have done and did... It was me that willingly do it for you without any hesitation or consideration... It is just for you and no one else... I never did what I've done with you when i was with N.... You are worthy for my strength and time... I'm serious here dear... Believe me once more dear... I really need you in my life... I will make it exciting and adventurous as you always wanted.... I wanna let you know that i love you from the day i met you till now... and i wanna make another step forward with you... I wanna love you till I hit six feet under....

Please understand the purpose of this blog and my heart towards you.... I need you..

Where are you? Tell me where i can find 'you'....

We were at a full stop after your birthday last year... I gave you a box of contact lenses which i put in inside your letter box while you were shopping with ah keong...
During that time i felt like i had bad car crash every single day... I was in deep pain...
i tried to pick up myself during the 'car crash'.... My body and mind was badly injured...
i went for body building... mix with my friends (Kenneth.. Felicia.. Melissa) and concentrate to job which i do not have interest...
After a while... I paid everything that i owe you back then... Starhub bills and stuffs that i couldnt really explain..
I still remember when you told me... No need to be so built up as i have small head... and small size people also can protect you...
I was very happy back then... I tried to keep alive and not to think so much...
It was 28th of July almost 10pm.... i msg you... why you are not online.. you said your network was down... so we chat on the sms.... you told me the beads where my mom gave you was broken... and you were worried and need a holiday...
You told me you would like to go zoo... I volunteer myself to be with you on the coming weekend...
During that period we were like honey and bee.... nothing separate us.... i know you were happy... i can feel it...

On that weekend... I reach lavender and waited for you... i fetch you at the lavender mrt station and we walk to the bubble milk tea and bought 2 cups of bubble milk tea... we went to a place and we had fun and obviously we had a long chat... It was crazy and funny.... i still feel it till now....
Then we went to orchard have our late lunch... the ribs was fantastic...

The next day we wake up early and prepare breakfast and to the zoo...
You were wearing a beautiful black and pink dress... was just tied up on the back of your neck...
You were so beautiful and gorgeous... Not just the visitors and zoo keepers are looking at you.. Even the pets and animals are staring at you....

From that moment on... we started our 2nd phase....
at that time we chatted on why we broke off the first time.. and share every single possible details when we are apart... T and L...
I still remember once you were abit drunk and call me..
You asked.. why i'm not in singapore and company you... I told myself at that point of time... I need to do something to be with you...

I let everything go.. and keep you safe beside me.... i move to JB... and then now in Singapore...
During that transition.. it was painful for my family and me....
But i could not care for anything more but you...

Actually during this period... Evonne did a great part which help me to establish this relationship... Which I would really like to say thank you to her.... She gave me a lifeline.... (But anyway.. you should thank me for applying that INS job for you too.. and so you found a good sister)

As Evonne said.. relationship will never smooth sailing.. i believe and understand it... I tried to learn and understand you... You are hard person.. love to be alone sometimes... I'm trying my best to give you want you wanted....

The month of September was a honey moon month for me.... It was heaven... I meet you everyday and take good care of you and your sons... I dun mind the chores as long you all are happy and healthy... that what i wish for every single day...

Right on the dot 1st of October.... It was hell... i rush to get you a pair of contact lense.. xiao bai food and some cash...
when i was at the door... you pop out and ask me... how do you look... obviously no word could describe how you look like... you were so gorgeous and beautiful....
You asked me.."will i have my breakfast tomorrow?" " are we going for shopping tomorrow?" and you should know the answer... you know i will never say no to you.. actually have i say no to you? i bet i didnt...

The next morning i met you... and you are different person... You seems like a stranger...
You were tired and keep on sleeping...
A night of clubbing.. i bet it was tired and 'happening'... but i dunno what makes you turn into such a stranger to both of us...
Are they someone waiting for you like me.. when we started.. and this is how you treat larry and now how you treat me.. I dun blame you or anyone... maybe this is what i call life or love cycle... but tell you the truth.. i never cheated or do anything wrong behind you when we are in the relationship maybe even during the time when we are halfway gone....

i'm not begging you and ask for your gratefulness or pityness on me... I just want you to know what i've done for you.... you are special and you need special treatment...
You are beautiful and gorgeous... maybe in this life.. i dun match to have someone like you.... I know i'm no one and moreover i'm just a malaysian....
Every morning i really wish to see you wake up in the morning and look at your beautiful smile... your beautiful smile.... that is what i call a beautiful life.... but maybe thats a wish... maybe it never in front of my eyes....

In this current industry i am in is a long marathon run... I cant quit or be sprint faster... It developed slowly.... but i can tell you that next year i will improve our life.... I will get myself a unit here... and car... I want to have my own place... I'm sick of sharing a place with someone... but best of all i want to share the place with you and your 3 smart sons....

I need to have an upgrade... My life is too boring already...

If a doctor would like to operate or kill a patient... The doctor will diagnose the patient with a disease before operating them... If you want me to die or operate on me... pls tell me what is my disease or diagnose with any terminal sickness... At least or lastly.. i may die in peace....
You are burying me alive... and i'm struggling to survive this hurricane.... I'm trying my best to do what it takes for you love me.... or maybe i have done my best yet... Let me know what i've done wrong and i will correct myself.... as you posted in FB... Love is not a first sight.. but to learn and understand your partner.... which i'm currently learning and understanding you....

I'm really grateful and would like to say a million thank you because of your saturday movie and sunday lunch....
It was a great outing...
But... do you know why i move to the back while you are queuing for popcorn and drinks... have you think about that??
have you realize that every single person on that cinema floor is smilling and laughing?? I realize even for a uncle and auntie who is queueing there...
I dun want you to be unhappy or mad.... so i move back till you reach the counter then i only come forward to order... you are the one i care and love.... your emotions.. feelings... health is what i care most....

what do you feel when you see me??? unhappy?? mad?? sad... or whatever is it?? let me know how you feel... at least i will know what to do....

I'm preparing something for you at this weekend... but whatever is it.. pls take care yourself....
I may not be the right person but i'm not the wrong person as wel...

changing wave...

last night... i see the 'cold' side of you.... in your eyes... i can feel there are changes... your feeling towards me had totally change... you prefer to talk to your buddy than me... you are organizing outing with your buddy... and me? next friday you are on leave... you didnt tell me... am i really someone not important to you anymore? just a maid? a slave? or just a ordinary hi and bye friend.... i hold my breath a few times... and tell myself not to breakdown...

I'm not blaming you dear... but just that you are more concentrate to him than me...

On the way....

everytime when you say... 'i wanna ditch you'... my heart will just break and it tear.... i feel so so pain... no words able to describe... i do not know how to answer or response this cruel and heartless statement... sometimes i will have difficulty breathing... the tears does not flow out from my eyes but it flow inside my weak heart....

if these days do reach and stood in front of me... i will accept with cries in my heart and with years to come... i really would love to love you... and see you smile and laugh with all your cheerfulness... but i do know what you really need... and for right now... i could not provide...
i often picture another person holding your hand and you smile to him... that will just make me cry and die... he may provide you all the needs that you needed... and the only thing i will able to do is to leave in silent and dissapear... i would live and leave in vain....

for what i did might be cruel to myself... but i really wanted to see you smile and be happy... do you still remember what i've promised you when i met you the first time... i promised you to give you a permanent smile and happyness in your life... i will make sure you have it... just that is it me or someone who make you smile....

the only thing i would really miss about you is your beautyful angel smile... everytime when you smile and laugh you will just melt my heart... i really love the way you done it in front of me... everytime when i tell you how beautiful you are... i seriously mean it from my heart... without any hesitation... in my heart there is no one much more beautiful than you...

your sons are very cute but naughty especially lilo... i love to bath and walk them... seriously now it become a habit for me to clean and play with your sons....

your mom is the most understandable and cute mom you ever have... pls treasure her words and take good care of her... sometimes she's weak to do anything... time to time try to talk to her... i would really miss her cooking one day... and thank you ms pang...

if i really do dissapear in front of you one day... will you look for me? will you be scare? will you cry? pls dont.... because that is the time i wanna give you your happiness...

I could not picture myself without you in the future... this will the darkest day of my life....

one day if faith play his part and permits me... i would like to walk Thunder once more...

by telling all this to you... because i really love you...

...

Where could i go... where could i end up... where should i lead to... if this everything is going to be without you... i have nothing but an empty soul...
I was listening to Show Luo Zi Xiang songs called "Xi Kuan Zhui Hao" was a song too sad to be true for me... It has special meaning to me...
I do really hope you will like the present for your birthday.. It was abit early but i just feel that i need to pass you the present if anything do really happen between us...

14th April 2010.. Marsiling Block 168.. Afternoon

sitting in front of this dell.. waiting for the time to pass.. very sunny and only a little wind.. noises from a drilling machines drilling some damn holes nearby.. stomacht feeling alittle empty and really sleepy now.. last night when i pass through the sg checkpoint that was the 'exciting' part of the night.. kanna detained.. paid half of the fine.. and another fine to go.. thank goodness the officer kind enough to let me go.. didnt sleep much last night even bought a packet of rice and eat but throw the whole packet away after get myself online at 2330 last night (where another 'exciting' part happened) and slept almost at 2am (kept on thinking and thinking)..

feeling very sad and down.. i do not know how to show my feelings to the world or to you.. It seems really lost.. met a few person in front of me.. sitting in front of me.. i do not know how to talk to them.. i felt really stupid and dumb for a moment when there is a aunty ask me few simple questions.. i realized nothing matters to me now.. only you are the one matters to me.. your smile and your eyes are the one create my life.. i do not know how to go on without you..

bought you a camera that you wanted for a while for your valentines gift.. i know its abit late (6 to 7 months since it launched).. i'm sorry.. tried my best to save and work my ass out to get you that.. but it was worthy because seeing your smile throughout the day of purchasing that camera for you..
something different and bigger are coming your way.. COMING SOON!!! something you wanted for a very long time.. i wanted you to have that early birthday gift because i've promised you.. as i told you a promise is a promise!!!

thank you for your birthday shirt.. i love it so much dear and it was really smart and cool when i put it on.. and i wanted you to see me wearing it every single time..

called the Green House developer this morning and just found out that there is a new phase launching soon.. but date has yet to announce.. the current green house only launch 2 rows of houses which is currently selling and there are 2 more rows are coming soon.. targeting this 2 new rows of houses.. purchasing a corner unit for you and thunder has never a doubt in my mind.. but purchasing a house is no easy matters.. it involved alot of side and authorities.. 1)bank from my side and developer.. 2)lawyers from myside and developer 3)application to withdraw my money from the CPF 4)need letter from the authorities to put your name inside the sales and purchase agreement 5)and of course the OC/CFO to be approved in time for us to move in..
all of this process is not under my or anyone control.. it take times at least 2 to 3 months or more because to take my CPF out will need to wait at least 2 months already.. so od possible wrap it up and send it to you for your next year birthday gift..

as you always said.. i only talk cock and no action.. but all this i need alittle more time to prepare myself.. of course i will get what you wanted and i able to afford for now.. and there is one thing came across my mind was if i dont get the 'birthday gift' for you now.. i cant get it for you once i get the green house.. and of course part of my salary will be drain up to the house eventually.. so buying a house is no laughing or easy matters..

coming weeks i will be in a total new environment and total new concept of selling.. all of these will be a stranger to me.. i cant walk through this dark and crazy times alone without you holding my hand.. i seriously do need you by myside and in my heart.. the goal of my life is to provide you a home with love and delicious foods on the table..

and i know its time to proof something.. and words need to it in action..

JW Birthday Last Year.. (the 1st phase)

This was the process of decorating a cake for JW.. I stood there for hours.. just to think and decorate.. It was kinda mentally draining but I'm kinda satisfied with the product i make..


Made this cake at Jurong Point for her 23rd Birthday.. This part of our life was actually going through a tough road.. A very tough one.. So I made this to lighten her up.. but it was a tragedy i guess.. =)

This cake unable to stand heat after 4 hours.. so actually i was waiting outside for 'some' hours.. i can really see the cake was not really in good condition.. and the dinner was a real disaster.. plan some surprise for her... but didnt really work out actually..

So sorry.. but i was hoping to make you happy and put a smile on your face..

Another Sunday..

17th Jan 10..
1249 noon..

A brand new year.. Something that I really looking forward into.. Something need to change.. Something need to forget and let go..

I've move to Johor for my new job.. for a new life.. a new change... the 4th day today..

Every single day.. new faces.. news places.. new changes.. but same old fart.. i meant me.. haha

So bloody hot out there.. dun feel like going out.. and yet hungry.. need to get some food.. havent really eat since last night.. on diet? (because someone is complaining on my big tummy).. saving my $$ (maybe.. maybe not..).. or just lazy to drive the other 'old fart'..

Ate 8 to 10 pieces of breads with Skippy peanut butter for the yesterday... lunch and dinner.. haha

Talking about the "other old fart".. Yesterday noon the tyre punctured (left, back) but tried to keep on and see whether any tyre shop to fix it.. but cant find any.. so have to fix it myself.. to my findings.. the tyre been punctured by some sharp objects.. cause a big hole on the tyre.. thought can fix it.. but cannot.. $$ again.. and the battery pack is not in good condition.. dunno why also.. headache lo..

JW is out with her friend today.. so she's not online now.. thats why able to waste some time on this blog.. haha... hope she's not eating any spicy or oily food.. her tummy not feeling good this 2 days.. hope she'll be fine and enjoy her beautiful sunday.. =D

As for me now.. trapped inside this pinkish colour room.. a blur tv(only can watch channel u).. one hp netbook and dell dinosaur.. just clean up the room bit by bit... maybe need to move some furnitures inside this room later.. Need to pick up my National Sales Manager at 1715 at Senai Airport.. He'll be here for 2 days.. to guide me i guess..

Will go out a little bit earlier later to check out if there is any buddhist temple.. Need to pray for my safety and blessing.. Seriously need some blessings from the Big Guys.. Been not so lucky lately.. Or maybe this room not so suitable for me... haha.. the feng shui problem.. hahaha!!

So Big Guys up there.. Please bless me with some good luck.. Thanks..